Growing Up

I had a rough childhood.

First, I was almost eaten by an alligator at a very early age. A near death experience like that made me think about entering the seminary, but I knew I couldn't cut it. Instead, I thought seriously about attending Duke University, but decided against it in favor of joining the Navy.

When I got out of the Navy, I had a bad drinking problem and one night was arrested Nick Nolte-syle. Coming out of rehab, I cleaned up my act and walked the straight and narrow. Even dressed the part for awhile. OK, maybe quite awhile. OK, probably too long.

I tried becoming a professional golfer, but was told that only professional basketball players where their socks that high. So I tried playing in the NBA for awhile, but that too didn't work out.

Shortly thereafter, I landed a guest role on The Partridge Family, but they killed off my character during the first season. That led to a stint with a Triple A baseball team, but we only had four players so we didn't win very often.

Coming off golf, basketball, and baseball, I was feeling pretty on top of the world and the world needed a lot of help, so I became a super hero, but had to quit shortly after I outgrew my size 3 suit.

The next spring, I landed a spot on the US Track and Field team and the following winter skied with the US Ski Team, but at that point I had had it with sports.

So I re-enlisted in the Navy. I just couldn't support the US war efforts, however, so I left the Navy and protested instead. Protesting was exhausting so I took some time off to go fishing for a few weeks.

Coming back, I really missed my time on The Partridge Family, so I went back to find my roots in the theater. I played Danny Zuco in the Broadway cast of Grease. I tried being a puppeteer. I joined a small traveling group of Evel Keneval impersonators, but quite frankly, I just couldn't stop laughing. I joined a ragtime band. I performed with a Chinese acrobat troop. I went back to Broadway and played Oliver Twist. I worked at a local McDonald's as Ronald McDonald. I even played a leprechaun at St. Patrick's Day festivals.

By the end of it all, I was exhausted so I went fishing again for several months this time. I needed to rest my mind for awhile, so I took up the arcane hobby of making chairs from milk cans. It didn't last.

It wasn't long before calls for Superman's return were rampant across the nation. I knew I couldn't keep up with it all. So I cloned myself.

One of me moved to Hawaii and took up surfing. The other version of me was last seen continuing to abuse the use of the sweater vest.

And now you know why I am how I am.